Meeting a lot of interesting new people, who are sexually open-minded, I've been learning more about the nature of my own sexuality. I've never been attracted to the BDSM lifestyle. I tend to think of myself as pretty "vanilla" overall, in that I don't identify completely with any of the typical roles. Through new, candid conversations about sexual desires and preferences, I've learned that I do lean toward the "submissive" side on the BDSM spectrum, but as a strong feminist, I have a hard time reconciling these feelings.
I've been reading some fascinating books, like "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel, that have some really great insight into why BDSM exists in our modern culture. Perel touches on how an otherwise strong, independent person, might want to completely release all control to another in bed. She claims "democracy does not belong in desire". Great sex is about power exchange. Then I read about the Warrior Princess Submissive subtype, and a light went on. Strong, powerful Xena kneeling before her Hercules. This just might be me.
Perhaps the "Intellectual Cro-Magnon Man" archetype that I was looking for, is that man who I can admire. That man who is as strong as me, or stronger, so that I don't have to be the strong one for once. A man who can replace me, in protective dominance, and allow me to completely let go sexually. Not an easy task for any man. I am confident, fiercely independent, and staunchly protective of my freedom. The actual idea of submission to anyone other than this strong, "Hero" archetype is repulsive to me. Believe me, I don't need anyone to rescue, or complete me.
One of these illuminating dates was Markus. Markus is also in an open relationship. He is 6'3", and has a calm, confident manner. He has light, thick, curly hair, and a light beard. I could tell that he had a high emotional intelligence, in the way he engaged with me, and talked about others. He has a strong sexuality about him.
On that first date, over dinner, I learned that Markus, had plenty of experience as a Dominant in the BDSM community. This fact both aroused and terrified me. This might be that safe place to explore some of my fantasies with someone who is skilled in that area. I told him of my curiosity around bondage and submission, but I made it clear that I didn't see myself easily submitting to anyone. He said that he would be happy to help me explore my desires. We spent the rest of the evening walking, and talking about sex. I admired his knowledge and experience on the subject. I especially liked his understanding of consent, and how respectful he was. He asked my permission before touching my hair, putting his arm around me, and kissing me. Consent is a integral part of the BDSM lifestyle. It is required in order for it to work.
We made a date for a few days later. I went over to his place, and briefly met his partner before she left us alone for the afternoon. I was a bit nervous, and the sexual tension in the air was thick. We sat across from each other in the livingroom, intensely assessing the other. I waited for him to make a move.
"Wow. You are really hot." he finally said.
"Thank you." I replied.
He asked how I was feeling, and how I would like to proceed. I told him that I was open to exploring anything. I was giving him carte blanche, but I retained the right to change things at any moment. My heart was racing.
He asked me to spread my legs, and show myself to him. (He had asked me earlier to wear nothing under my dress.) He looked long and hard at my pussy. He asked if I liked exposing myself to him. I told him that I did.
He suggested we try bondage, as he knew that was something I wanted to explore. He had a matter-of-fact, confident professionalism about him. Like he was providing a service for me. A titillating, boundary-pushing service.
I remained sitting on the sofa, as he went to the other room, and returned with some rope. I knew that I was putting incredible trust in this relative stranger. Ben knew the address of where I was, and we had our check-in time. I had Googled Markus' full name beforehand, and knew quite a bit about him. My intuition told me that I could trust this man.
Markus gently took my wrists and began to tie them together in a very technical way. This man certainly knew what he was doing. Once my hands were tied just right – not too tight, not too loose, he asked if he could lift me. After he received my answer, he scooped me up, and laid me down lengthwise on the sofa. He lifted my bound hands above my head. I was completely vulnerable to him. I was vibrating with anticipation.
“Are you comfortable?” he asked.
“Yes.” I responded.
“What is your expectation of an orgasm?” he wanted to know.
I told him that it depended entirely on how much I was able to relax and let go. Being that this was our first time together, I thought it highly unlikely, but it wasn't important. I didn't always need an orgasm for a sexual experience to be satisfying. Sensuality is much freer if it is not goal-oriented.
He seemed satisfied with my answer, and got to work. He took off his shirt. He lifted my dress to my waist, and began gently stimulating my pussy, one area at a time, slowly progressing from outer labia, to inner labia, to clitoris, to vagina. His knowledge of the female anatomy was impressive. He used his fingers, his lips, his tongue, alternating, and then eventually all at once. He quickly brought me to a loudly moaning, quivering, hot mess. He played my body like a violin. He knew exactly where my g-spot was, and worked it with his fingers. I exploded in intense orgasm. We were both pleasantly surprised.
He asked if I was ok to continue. I told him that I was. I hadn't yet had his cock inside me. He opened his belt, and took off his pants. He put his soft cock in my mouth. (Soft?!) With my hands still tied above my head, I sucked him deeply and loved feeling his cock become hard in my mouth. This was the first time I had ever sucked cock like that. Previously, I had always been in control. This new way was super hot. I felt both the giver and the receiver at once.
“Mmm...you are good at sucking cock.” he told me.
He put on a condom, and climbed on top of me. He entered me swiftly, and stayed upright as he fucked me hard and fast. I love it when someone fucks my brains out. We stared into each other's eyes, as he fucked me hard until he came. I was in heaven.
He untied my hands, and we chatted for a bit. We both had places we needed to be. We hugged and thanked each other for a wonderful time. We planned to see each other again.
A few days later, I received a message from him, asking for feedback on our time together. I replied back to him with how much I had enjoyed it physically. How much I had enjoyed him playing my body like a violin, but that I had felt a bit guilty about not being able to reciprocate as much, being tied up. It felt slightly selfish, to lie there and receive pleasure. It also felt perhaps a bit more “session-like” than I would prefer in the future. In the end, I wanted connection.
His answer blew me away with it's beauty. He told me that he welcomed the opportunity to play my body like an instrument. When considering the relationship between musician and instrument, he noticed the certain qualities and dynamics. The instrument is finely tuned and gives the player immediate feedback. The instrument inspires the player, giving as much as it receives, although in qualitatively different ways. The musician who is a true artist plays the instrument for the love of it; the sound, the feel, the playing is its own reward. He said that he made a better musician than an instrument. His nature is playing, his reward is the sound and feeling of playing. He suggested we actually go more into this dynamic, where I could deepen, and possibly test or challenge, my experience of receiving.
My heart skipped a bit after reading his response. I was excited, but also terrified once again. I felt torn between going further into this type of experience, and connecting more on a more equal level with Markus. I really liked him.
With Ben's cooperation, I arranged to have my family out of the house for our next encounter. Markus appreciated getting to see me in my home territory. I wasn't anymore relaxed though. I could feel myself shaking in his arms, as we greeted each other with a hug and kiss. I was frustrated with my body for betraying my composure.
We sat and talked for a while, as we reconnected, and talked about what we might like to do together. I told him that I might like to just go with the flow more, rather than repeat what we did last time. He was game.
I took him to my bedroom, and this time we kissed, and touched, made out slowly. It was a very different dynamic. One of equanimity, not Dominant/submissive. It didn't feel quite natural. It was like we were forcing it.
When I wanted him to take me, I reached over to feel his cock. It was still soft. Like last time.
I was confused. Was he not turned on? Was he not really into penetration? Was this dynamic not working for him? I didn't want to ask. Not yet.
I put him in my mouth, and heard him groan. I felt him get hard, and he quickly put on a condom. He fucked me hard and fast again, in the same upright position, as I lay on my back, with my legs up high. Then he moved me to end of the bed, so that he could fuck me while he stood behind me. But he went soft again...
“Let's take a break.” he offered, and laid down on the bed. I laid down and he pulled me to him. We talked for a while about things beside sex. And then it was time for us to part. We had other places to be, once again.
Days later, when we spoke again, we both agreed that perhaps our sexual relationship was complete at that point. But he says that he enjoys our connection, and would like to continue to hang out. I, too, would like to get to know him better. I can tell that he is a deep and complex person. I still find him very sexy... but a sexual relationship without a hard cock could never work for me.
I still wonder exactly what happened between us. What would have happened if we delved deeper into the bondage/receiving dynamic? Did I ruin a good thing? I felt like I wanted to go there, but needed more emotional connection before I could truly let myself go. Or I needed him to be more Dominant than he was being with me? He seemed almost too focused on me, and not enough on himself... What was really going on with him? Perhaps I needed to let him just be the musician that he wanted to be. Apparently, this chapter is not completely over. A fascinating experience nonetheless. The learning continues.